Last month today (November)

Gray November, I’ve been down since (last) July.

Hi! I started this experiment of keeping a journal thingy at the end of May. Catch up with June, July, August, September, October. If the entry is too long for email, you might need to click on a variation of “view entire post“ at the bottom. Thank you for reading, ily.

Nov 4

Had a lovely birthday. Very demure, very low-key.

Enjoyed some of my favorite foods (meatballs! deviled eggs! fruit tarts!), hung out with mom and dog, kept my scrolling to a minimum. Listened to music and drank prosecco to cap it all off.

Would recommend.

Nov 5

My friend sent me a BOOX Palma for my birthday. She is insane.

The package arrived yesterday, with an awesome card, cute stickers, prosecco, and the magic device. Spent a couple of hours last night setting it up. Excited!!

Also flabbergasted by the fact that she read I wanted one in a previous monthly recap and, knowing I’m having a shitty year, decided to take matters into her own hands. Deeply grateful. We’ve been friends for *checks notes* almost 20 years, no breaks included.

She’s the Amy Poehler to my Tina Fey, Taylor Swift to my Selena Gomez, Jennifer Aniston to my Courteney Cox. Enid to my Wednesday, though equally dark and twisty despite her blonde locks. I feel warm and fuzzy inside.

The fact that she’ll read this in five to twenty business days and blush is the cherry on top.

*

Kim Kardashian’s new show, All’s Fair, is getting savage reviews. The opening paragraph from The Guardian is especially cutting. I haven’t felt the way the author feels about a TV show since sitting through a couple episodes of Netflix’s The I-land.

Had no interest in checking out All’s Fair. Now I have to.

By the way, can we acknowledge how weird it is that most people, including me, refer to this as Kim’s new show when the cast features the likes of Naomi Watts, Niecy Nash, Sarah Paulson, and Glenn Close? Further proof of her ever-expanding influence.

Nov 6

Made banana bread today, turned out tasty. While it might not seem like much, I suck at baking. I can feed myself just fine. Make me prepare anything that’s not an immediate need, and I turn into a grumpy hedgehog who can’t break an egg to save her life. Proud of myself.

*

Spent last night watching the first three episodes of All’s Fair. It’s an abomination, just as bad as the reviews made it out to be. Hated it so much, I must write about it.

Nov 7

Dad’s birthday. Miss him lots.

Nov 8

It’s raining heavily. I’m listening to Rosalía’s excellent new album Lux. Dog is peacefully snoozing on the bed. I lit a candle and sat at my desk to write.

This, right here, is a perfect moment.

Nov 12

Mom’s birthday was yesterday. I cooked, we played Yahtzee, she had a good time. Yes, my parents and I were all born in November, exactly four days apart.

Nov 13

YouTube content I binged (and enjoyed) this morning:

• Gatekeeping and the return of the literary SNOB (discussion about content gatekeepers/curators)

• The problem with self-help gurus (been following Matt D’Avella for years and found it interesting that this video is coming from someone who sold a self-help course himself)

• We’ve sold our souls for 2-day shipping (how hyper-convenience is making life worse instead of improving it)

• YouTube and the Death of Media Literacy (self-explanatory title, nuanced take)

*

I haven’t been reading lately. Weird, as I now have a fancy e-reader I’ve wanted forever. Also purchased three books after months of not buying any physical copies. Did you know that accumulating books doesn’t help you read more? Blasphemy.

I’m listening to Girl on Girl: How Pop Culture Turned a Generation of Women Against Themselves by Sophie Gilbert on audiobook. While I find it well-written, it’s a major bummer.

I lived through the period she dissects (early aughts forward) and experienced first-hand the damage pop culture did to an entire generation. Listening to the author recount in detail how badly women have been treated in the media is not a good time. Not arguing it should be, and I appreciate the work that went into the research. However, I wasn’t expecting the book to affect me this much, to the point where I dread hitting play.

It makes me angry and disappointed. Retroactively mad at myself for not understanding what was going on back then. Proud, too, of how much I’ve grown, while also recognizing I still have shortcomings. All this and I’m like 20% in. I think it’s the kind of book I should pace myself with. Maybe read with my eyes rather than my ears.

Additionally, still technically making my way through Tom’s Crossing, which I started last month. Not much progress.

I may need a fast-paced thriller to get me going again. But if I start one, I’ll feel bad for neglecting my reads-in-progress, which is nonsense. I’m behind on my Goodreads challenge and need to read eight more books by the end of the year. Also nonsense because reading is not a competition, why am I stressing over the amount of books I experience instead of their impact?

I’ve been toying with the idea of quitting Goodreads for a while, and I believe I’m ready to take the plunge. I don’t like the fact that I get uncomfortable (??) when a book stays on my currently reading shelf for months, even if that’s the best pace to consume it. I don’t like that I force myself to come up with a star rating and one-line review whenever I mark a book as complete. And I hate that the app/website gets worse with each passing year.

It’s annoying because Goodreads is the main way I track my TBR, and there are reviewers there whose taste matches mine. It took me years to find them. Maybe I’ll keep my profile but stop tracking my reading, I don’t know. I had a reading journal for a bit, want to go back to that. It was fun.

The most ridiculous part is that no one is putting pressure on me to read. I enjoy reading. I’m not a book influencer and don’t have to come up with book hauls and reviews and fresh takes every month. No one is judging me for how much or how little I read. And how many books I go through has always fluctuated.

Yet, I still feel some pressure. I’m happiest when I spend time reading, and I haven’t been doing much of that this year. My anxiety has been rampant, so I mostly engaged in self-soothing distractions like social media and comfort TV.

On a brighter note, I spent more time thinking about what I read, which is an improvement. Plan to write a newsletter on the topic sometime soon. Unfortunately, the more you read, the more you realize how unlikely it is to read everything you want in your lifetime. Another thing that can mess with your mind.

I’m a fucking ray of sunshine today.

Also, voting for the Goodreads Choice Awards is open, and browsing the Mystery/Thriller category, my main genre, felt lackluster. I really liked The Ghostwriter by Julie Clark and We Are All Guilty Here by Karin Slaughter, at least there’s that.

This entry has been all over the place and currently resembles word vomit. Future Alexandra must handle the editing, because present Alexandra has a freelance task.

*

The trailer for the Eras Tour docuseries dropped, it’s good, can’t wait.

That said, why is her fiancé such a big part of it? I’ve been baffled by her strategy to make him an integral part of her brand from early on. She’s the most prolific pop star in the world. He’s a jock. While I’m glad they’re happy, I don’t care about him one bit.

It’s like when you want to hang out with your girlfriend, and she unexpectedly brings her boyfriend along, lol.

Also incredibly excited for Merv, a rom-com starring Zooey Deschanel, Charlie Cox, and an adorable dog. It comes out Dec 10 on Prime Video, seems tailor-made for me. I want to feel the feels.

Nov 14

Dog seemed down, took him to the vet to see if there are any other ways to boost his comfort. On top of his health issues being heartbreaking, the vet bills are a lot. I hope they continue to be a lot for a long time.

I’m spent. I’ll fill the weekend with books and music and staring at the ceiling, because the internet is bringing me down.

Nov 17

Read two books over the last four days. Haven’t done that in a hot minute. Made me feel like my old self, which was nice.

I used to be suspicious when people said they read faster on e-readers. Not anymore. Maybe it’s the comfort of looking at screens and scrolling, but I don’t need to take breaks as often. Do these devices come with narcotics packed in?

I did start with a fast-paced thriller, All the Other Mothers Hate Me. Didn’t like it much, found the main character irritating. Then picked up Darkly by Marisha Pessl. It has a fun premise and is engaging, albeit tricky to follow at times. It’s YA, wish it were adult. That way, it could have been darker.

Had the same thought about her previous book, Neverworld Wake. I’ll still read whatever she writes. I find her mind fascinating.

*

Sat down to write a newsletter, brain is empty. Will try again tomorrow.

Nov 18

Everything sucks.

Nov 19

That might have been the PMS talking.

Nov 20

We have a trailer for Sunrise on the Reaping!! Obsessed. Adored the book. Can’t wait to see it on screen and experience the pain all over again. Wish I could give Haymitch the biggest hug. Definitely my favorite franchise.

Given everything going on in the US, I hope this doesn’t resemble a documentary by the time it comes out.

Nov 21

Haven’t been in a writing mood lately. Started and abandoned a few drafts, my heart wasn’t in them. Didn’t publish a newsletter last weekend, so I need to publish one asap. Can’t get my brain to cooperate.

I’m also disillusioned with Substack these days, which happens every few months or so. Feel like a brat for bringing this up, but it can be discouraging to see people who joined a couple of months ago hit thousands of subs when I’ve been trudging along for a year and a half and am not even halfway there. I stumble upon generic 3-paragraph posts with 6k likes and want to scream at the wall. I see trite, obviously AI-generated Notes do numbers, and I question whether I’m actually accomplishing anything by trying to keep up.

Then I remember that I don’t have a niche, I don’t excel at promoting myself, I’m treating this as a hobby, not a business.

I’m not entitled to anyone’s attention.

Plus, my aim was never to master Substack. It’s to develop a somewhat consistent writing routine and improve my writing. Different skills. I also wanted to meet like-minded people along the way, which has happened.

(Happy you’re here.)

Going viral isn’t the point; building a community is. That takes time.

You can’t expect me to trust the process every day, though.

Nov 24

Read a cute book over the weekend. One-Star Romance by Laura Hankin. Previously read The Daydreams by her and enjoyed it.

My problem with romance is that I don’t want the book to be solely about that. I like it when the characters go on some sort of journey as well. If every page is oh my god his jaw is so strong and his biceps are so firm and his dick is a gift from the overlords I roll my eyes because girl, get a life. I also lose patience reading about going on dates and miscommunication and dumb problems that could be solved if the characters just talked to each other.

Maybe I’m not a fan of the genre in the traditional sense, but I love love, and I enjoy reading about people falling for each other. I just crave a bit more story. It’s why I generally like Emily Henry and Abby Jimenez. Their books have romance and much more.

Anyway, One-Star Romance is about Natalie, a wannabe writer very close friends with another woman, Gabby, who gets engaged young. Natalie connects with Gabby’s fiancé’s best friend, but he leaves a one-star review of her debut book, and she gets upset. From there, you follow them over the course of nine years or so as they meet whenever their friends celebrate various milestones.

While the romance is cute, the book is more about growing up and finding your path, and about how friendships change as your priorities shift. It gets kind of depressing towards the end when the pandemic makes an appearance, and one of the characters has a serious health issue.

Other than that, it’s mostly funny and exactly what I needed.

Nov 26

Hulu released a teaser for the Scrubs reboot. I have mixed feelings.

Loved Scrubs back in the day. The characters, the jokes, the mix of humor and heart. I appreciated JD’s penchant for daydreaming, especially during the early seasons, because I’m into daydreaming too. The later seasons lost their spark.

Seeing the characters now makes me nostalgic and a little sad. Does Dr. Cox look like he’s wearing too much makeup? What is happening? Why do all shows look so glossy and unnatural these days?

Thinking back, there’s not one reboot that improved upon the original for me. Veronica Mars came close, until they ruined everything with the finale. I was so upset, I never re-watched it. I guess Criminal Minds is ok, but they rebooted the show shortly after it concluded. Unsure it fits the category well. They didn’t bring back Reid, so I didn’t watch past the first season.

I was into Leverage back in the day, yet the revival is available nowhere in Romania, and it looks like I didn’t care enough to overextend myself in order to check it out. Also heard the Twin Peaks follow-up is good. Never saw the original, might have to fix that sometime soon.

Long story short, I hope Scrubs 2.0 doesn’t suck.

Nov 27

Americans celebrate Thanksgiving today. I’m grateful for mom, dog, and friends. For the two freelance gigs that still cover my nicotine budget. For my Substack community.

And for the privilege to mope around as I figure out what I want to do with my short and precious life.

Dec 1

November is just… over? Rude.

This recap is boring. Thought about not posting it, but then saw a note with a snippet from Kafka’s journal where he was mainly complaining about being unable to write and wondering whether he’ll ever manage to again. People seem to interpret it as relatable rather than whiny. Perhaps it only works if you’re already considered a genius?

Taking my chances because I’m low on post ideas. Let’s make things more poetic/dramatic:

“Words elude me. In anguish over my inability to conjure up essays I actually want to birth. Rain droplets linger on the window, no one is vying for my attention, I have entire hours stretching empty ahead. Such luxury. Yet here I sit at my desk, despondent, on the verge of offering the gods my luscious hair in exchange for one worthy paragraph. A seed of an idea. Next week’s lottery numbers. I’m doomed.”

*

Realized I watched zero movies during November outside of The Wrong Paris, which I didn’t like. Fake cinephile. I’m also still five books away from completing my yearly reading challenge. Made progress with Girl on Girl, it continues to bum me out. Very informative though, especially about the porn industry. I guess the title should have been a dead giveaway.

Spent a lot of time brainstorming a creative project I was hoping to complete by this week, no such luck. It’s still in the mix; postponed for January.

*

I usually love Christmas, but I’m not feeling it yet. The idea of figuring out presents and decorations and food is overwhelming.

The year has been blah. We’ve almost made it.

---

My content is currently free, but you can support my work on Ko-Fi. Consider this your good deed for the season.

---

Photo by shivaraj s