Last month today (August)

August slipped away into a black hole in time.

Hi! I started this experiment of keeping a journal thingy at the end of May and enjoyed it. I continued throughout June and July. Now, August. If the entry is too long for email, you might need to click on a variation of “view entire post“ at the bottom. Thank you for reading, ily.

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Aug 1

My favorite Romanian band, Omul cu Șobolani (translates to The Man with Rats, it’s a Freud thing), turns 28 today. I’ve been listening to them since high school. They bring me so much joy.

Whenever I attend one of their concerts, I’m simultaneously 18, 25, and 37. I’m impressed by their longevity and the fact that they continue to produce new music. A recent song I particularly love is golGOLgol. All-time greats include În reluare, Dansăm (să nu aștepți nimic), 2ouă beri goale, and Caută.

The only downside is that every time I interacted with them, I acted like a lunatic. It’s fine. I’ll use their lyrics as an epigraph in my first book, which will become a smashing success. We’ll be connected for eternity.

You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you.

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And Just Like That... will end with season 3. We only have two episodes left. I never liked it. Complained about it just five days ago. I’ll miss it lots.

In other news, they’re making a The Holiday limited series. It’s my favorite Christmas movie; I have mixed feelings.

Aug 5

Watched My Oxford Year on Saturday. I haven’t read the book, though it was on my radar. Highly enjoyed Thank You for Listening, and the author, Julia Whelan, is a fantastic audiobook narrator.

Back to the movie, I also didn’t pay much attention to the trailer, outside of looks cute, will watch, so I was surprised when the movie took a turn midway. Then I expected to cry because I’m easily emotionally manipulated by cinema. I did not.

Gave it three stars, I tend to be generous with rom-coms (this one doesn’t fit the definition, alas, you live and you learn), but was let down. Not sure what it is about Sofia Carson. She didn’t convince me that her character was into books.

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I have about 100-something pages left from Sebastian’s Journal. Don’t want it to end. Reading it has been a surreal experience, which is why it’s taken me so long (started in late March, I believe).

I’ve heard the phrase history repeats itself for my entire life. Going through Journal, I felt it. The way he chronicles the Nazi rise to power is so similar to how extremism is currently gaining ground again. I kept wanting to bang my head against the wall and took prolonged breaks from the text because it was unnerving.

More than that, I didn’t expect to find so much common ground with a man who lived in Bucharest eight decades ago. I saw myself in many of his musings on writing and living a creative life. In his procrastination and laziness and stupidity and love of music and inability to contort himself into a happy or at least semi-functioning member of society.

I would like to eventually write a more detailed post about all this. At the same time, I’m afraid I’m not smart enough to make my points come across effectively, or do the book justice.

Aug 6

Saddened to report that the only way to get more engagement on Substack Notes is to spend more time on Substack Notes.

I enjoy social media, both consuming and contributing, but I’m not always in the mood. Would be ideal to find a balance between obsessing over what to post/interacting with others, and not even opening Substack because I’m overstimulated as it is.

I don’t know how not to live in extremes.

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On a brighter note, I’ve made another positive step on my journey to fix my dwindling attention span. Meditation. A variation of it, more like.

These past few days, I’ve been listening to the same positive affirmation song on repeat for 10 minutes or so, mainly because I find it to be a banger. I’m surprised to report that... it kind of works? I’m less prone to distractions, at least when I write.

I must share this information with the world¹.

Aug 7

I’m usually done with my annual reading challenge by now because I set a sensible goal each year and don’t like to put pressure on myself but now I’m only one book ahead of schedule which means I’ve read much less than usual and I know it’s because my attention is flailing and my anxiety is all over the place but my mental acuity and curiosity and even writing are suffering as a result.

Needed to take that off my chest.

August 8

I enjoy the silly Hamilton TikTok trend of women dressing up as Alexander and sneaking out various doors and windows. Not sure how I stumbled into that side of the app. Happy I did.

August 10

Asked the universe for something good to happen, dog got diarrhea. The universe literally sent me shit. It made me laugh.

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Today would have been the birthday of the dog we had before.

Snoop was independent, protective, fell in lust easily, liked the snow, shed his fur everywhere, didn’t snitch when I sneaked out. Dad picked him off the street when he was a tiny fluffball. He lived with us for a decade.

A very good boy, I hope he has unlimited tasty treats in the afterlife.

August 11

I finished Journal last night. What will consume me now?

Also, I didn’t write a newsletter this weekend. While I don’t have a set schedule, I aim to send out one per week. I feel listless, purposeless, not in a writing mood.

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Israel killed five journalists in a Gaza airstrike. I stopped tracking the news on here, but sometimes it becomes too much. Especially as I still follow it and am still heartbroken. Nothing’s changed.

Oh, and the US president wants to… evict homeless people from Washington? He keeps preying on the most vulnerable citizens of the country he supposedly wants to make great again.

The land of the free morphing into a totalitarian hellscape is the kind of glow-down future historians will write tomes about.

Aug 12

TAYLOR SWIFT IS RELEASING A NEW ALBUM. Being alive is worth it again.

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Now that I have calmed down, rapid-fire thoughts:

• Why is she announcing the album on her boyfriend’s podcast, it’s so weird?

• While her glitter gel pen songs aren’t typically my faves, rumor has it TS12 is produced with Max Martin and Shellback, responsible for some of her biggest hits, I am pumped

• The album is called The Life of a Showgirl, which is a lot of words

• Besides the obvious Easter eggs like her fan club posting 12 photos (the final one with Sabrina!! we’re getting a collab for sure!!), the less obvious Easter eggs only become obvious in hindsight

• The track list and some of the lyrics leaked, had the misfortune of seeing them, this is why we can’t have nice things (based on deep research consisting of five TikToks, they seem real)

• We don’t have an official release date, the going theory is that it’s coming out in October; I would love a surprise drop because August is shit for me, it would be a bright spot

• The podcast episode is coming on Wednesday (Thursday my time), we’ll know more then

• Now I really need a stable job to save money for her next tour, lol.

Above all, I’m once again flabbergasted by this woman’s productivity. TTPD, a double album, came out last year. Her tour concluded in December.

How?

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Catching up on newsletters. Loved:

• "It’s Never Over, Jeff Buckley" - For You or Your Fans

• the loneliest place in the world is your for you page

• On Forgetting How to Think

Aug 13

Songs currently on repeat:

• Specter – Bad Omens (sad and wistful, Noah’s vocals are insane, pls inject it directly into my veins)

• Vincent’s Tale - Self Portrait – Ren (masterpiece)

• The Subway - Chappell Roan (wasn’t into it much at first, I am now)

• Rothko Painting – Kids In Glass Houses (puts me in a great mood)

• Summertime Sadness – Lana del Rey (it’s August)

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I’m rewatching Prison Break because… I don’t have a good reason. I was thinking about the pilot episode a little while ago and how good it is for a pilot episode, so I sat down to rewatch it and see if it’s truly as well-crafted as I remember.

It is. The action, the stakes, how it gives you just enough information to stay interested. The way it pulls you in from the first minute? Impressive.

I’m now somehow almost done with season 2. Maybe because I skip all the scenes with Veronica and occasionally Sara. Prison Break might be entertaining, but it does women dirty. Those two are insufferable.

As with many things these days, the show made me consider my focus. It has a lot of suspenseful scenes. People looking at a pair of keys for seconds on end before picking them up, aiming for too long before shooting, staring into the abyss while someone stalks them from the shadows. That kind of thing.

These scenes didn’t bother me in the before times. They do now. They go on and on and on, and I find myself fast-forwarding often. The horror!

There’s been some talk about how TV series nowadays are dumbed down because the streaming overlords expect you to watch them in the background. I can’t help but wonder if other concessions are made for our lack of attention, too.

Whether someone is looking over a script with a fine-tooth comb, saying things like:

• This dialogue scene is too long; we need exciting visuals in the background or a popular song playing for casual viewers to stay interested

• Only two people fighting for longer than 40 seconds isn’t captivating; a third party has to come in, or we lose the viewer to their phone

• No one has the patience to see a character think deeply for one minute as nothing else happens; we can either cut this scene or take viewers into his head via flashbacks and whatnot.

It wouldn’t surprise me.

Anyway, I remember being impressed and a little addicted when I first watched Prison Break, back in college. I’ve become more critical of my media since, but the show is still pulpy, fun TV. Unrealistic to borderline ridiculous, sure. Effective in spite of that.

Never seen the revival, might tune in now if I make it past season 4. That one was a struggle even the first time around.

Aug 14

It’s one of those days when I’m grateful to be part of the Taylor Swift fandom.

I wasn’t planning to stay up late to watch her on her boyfriend’s podcast, since it premiered at 2 am, my time. But then her website started teasing stuff, and TikTok became flooded with theories and clowning and excitement. I wanted to enjoy the hype. I did.

Watched the entire thing and chatted with my friend, also a fan, throughout. The experience was fun, the podcast a delight.

Taylor has gotten larger than life lately, almost morphing into a product rather than a person. It was refreshing to see her resemble a human again. I appreciate her dorkiness and sense of humor, and we haven’t gotten to glimpse that part of her in a while, since she pretty much stopped doing interviews.

It was also exciting because this new album announcement came with a walk down memory lane. That time when my friend and I were in Portugal on vacation and stopped everything to listen to her first Reputation single. The Folklore and Evermore surprise drops. Midnights Mayhem.

Say what you want about Taylor, she excels at being a pop star.

As for The Life of a Showgirl (coming Oct 3!!), I’m pumped, though the cover isn’t to my taste. If it’s only bangers, I’m Ready for It.

I have to make myself presentable for a wedding. Wanted to write this down while I’m still basking in the afterglow.

Aug 15

The wedding was lovely.

The décor was enchanting, with books, fairy lights, and rustic touches. It took place in a fancy barn outside the city where you could breathe through the heat. There was a bonfire. I danced, socialized, had a marvelous time.

Was worried about the event because I’ve become somewhat of a hermit over the past couple of months. Good to know I can still be charming when the situation calls for it.

Saw a Substack note recently that said the antidote to stress isn’t rest, it’s fun. Wholeheartedly agree.

Aug 16

The And Just Like That series finale was a shitshow. Literally.

(Cannot believe I’ve had reason to use shit, literally twice in two weeks.)

Also, for 2005 week, the AV Club published two articles I very much liked – one on Grey’s Anatomy, the other on Supernatural.

Aug 21

Saying that the past few days have been difficult would be an understatement.

Dog had a follow-up vet appointment, and the news is grim. Bottom line, all we can do now is make him comfortable.

This is not something I want to write about. It’s too fresh, too painful, and I’m still processing. But I thought I should mention it because you were kind enough to subscribe to this newsletter, and my writing may become erratic for the foreseeable future.

Grief is an old acquaintance; I know it comes in waves. I may write more as a distraction. I might not write at all.

I decided to move to my hometown for a while, to be there for him and mom, as well as spend as much time with him as possible for however long he has left. I’ve rented places before, but my current apartment is the first that truly feels like home. I’m going to miss it.

The move feels simultaneously overwhelming and of little importance in the grand scheme of things. Death is weird that way.

Aug 25

My mood is all over the place. Some days I wake up feeling fine, and I’m a complete mess by evening. Others, I’m miserable from when I first open my eyes.

I don’t want to write. Read. Make plans. Be online. Think too much.

I have to be out of my apartment in about two weeks. Must start packing and decluttering and cleaning and wondering how one can accumulate so much stuff.

My landlady, a gem I’ve grown fond of, found a new tenant 30 minutes after placing the online ad. The second she told me about them, the apartment stopped feeling mine. It’s like a switch went off in my brain. Now, I don’t really want to be there either.

But I have to. And I should write a newsletter, because I could use the distraction. There’s an unpolished draft in my head about how change takes time and small actions add up. I doubt I can muster the optimism to make it land. Another one is about Carrie Bradshaw². It might work better under the circumstances. Focusing on superficial nonsense with no real consequence to my own life.

Regardless, I struggle to see the point. Would rather climb back under my blanket and wait for another day to wash over me.

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Saw Materialists and liked it lots.

Don’t know why it’s advertised as a romantic comedy when it’s obviously a romantic drama. Alas, I vibed with it. It’s tinged with melancholy. Looks sensational. The performances are great and the actors beautiful. I disagree with people who say Dakota Johnson can’t act. I dig her subtlety. As a hopeless romantic, the message resonates.

I wish the Chris Evans character had more personality than “broke.” It was also weird that Dakota’s had zero woman friends.

Small gripes. Overall, it’s my type of realistic, cynical, ultimately sweet romance.

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Currently watching Long Story Short, the new Netflix animated series from the creator of BoJack Horseman.

(BoJack is my second-favorite show of all time, so I had high hopes.)

About halfway through season 1. It’s funny while also touching on deeper themes. Grief, the pandemic, how our upbringing shapes us in the long run. Glad it’s been renewed for season 2.

Aug 26

TAYLOR SWIFT IS ENGAGED TO HER JOCK BOYFRIEND! Wild to announce this on a random Tuesday.

Aug 29

I watched Sinners last night.

The cinematography is incredible. Every shot is pure poetry. I love how it takes the time to introduce the characters. I dig the atmosphere. I appreciate the themes, the acting, the soundtrack.

That dancing scene? Goosebumps.

My only complaint is that the movie veered into slightly silly territory when the, umm, aspect ratio changed. Let’s put it like that to avoid spoilers. It gave me From Dusk Till Dawn whiplash. It’s possible I need more time to digest it.

Also, I admit I don’t know as much about that period in US history. Some of the commentary probably went over my head.

Still, Sinners is a proper FILM. If you somehow haven’t seen it yet, believe the hype.

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Sabrina’s new album, Man’s Best Friend, is out. I like it!!

At first listen, Never Getting Laid stood out the most. After another, I fell in love with Goodbye and Go Go Juice. I’m sure Tears will be a hit. The video is 10/10.

Sound-wise, I enjoy the many influences – from disco to country to R’n’B. It’s an intriguing hodgepodge. It also makes me weirdly nostalgic for a time when I would vibe to horny songs I was too young to understand. Gimme Gimme Gimme and Andante Andante, I’m looking at you.

That said, this might be a words-first record for me. She outdid herself with her tongue-in-cheek humor. The album is hilarious. Waiting for Spotify to add the lyrics so I can deep dive, but some of the playful language is already stuck in my head.

To address the elephant in the room, I guess the controversial cover was… rage bait? I believe this is a breakup record; unsure how the cover ties in. Maybe I’ll get it after a few more listens.

Planning to spend tomorrow night downing prosecco and dancing around my apartment, the album blasting at full volume. It’s my second-to-last weekend here. Some of my belongings have already departed for storage. My brain aches for a proper drunken mourning party.

Ohh, Cristopher, another Substacker, wrote about the album and referred to me as a “Romanian cultural critic.” I don’t feel cultured enough to call myself that, but it has a nice ring to it. Might adopt the moniker for myself.

Boasting on my resume might be key to landing a job ahahahahah (crying).

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Turns out Sabrina sent out an email to celebrate the launch:

“This album reflects how unfortunately human it feels to experience love and loss! On top of the world one second, humbled the next, emotionally pulled by a leash and begging for treats (treats being the bare minimum).”

I guess that’s how the cover ties in. Okay.

Aug 30

Wheatley Moylan from Contrails and Breezes is recommending Fidgeting, and the way she described my newsletter was so kind that it made me emotional. Also, a local writer I like bought me a Ko-Fi and complimented my writing.

I’m no longer used to good things happening. This feels highly suspicious.

Sep 1

It’s fall. It rained last night. The weather is currently perfect.

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Watched Superman yesterday. Highly enjoyed it.

I’m not that knowledgeable about DC, more of a Marvel girlie. Still, Henry Cavill looked like a god in that suit, so much so that I was low-key disappointed when they replaced him. Haven’t seen his standalone Man of Steel movie or Batman v Superman (Ben Affleck as Batman was weird to me). I did (unfortunately) watch the Justice League movie in cinemas and the Snyder Cut for a work assignment. While the latter was better, it wasn’t my jam.

Rambling aside, David Corenswet is fantastic. Rachel Brosnahan was always going to be perfect as Lois (she is), and I would die for the Krypto the dog, even if he’s CGI. More than that, the story is sweet, the movie is fun, the message is wonderful.

You know society is collapsing when two of the biggest entertainment franchises release superhero movies about mental health and kindness, respectively, during the same calendar year.

Also streamed Winter Spring Summer or Fall, a YA rom-com with Jenna Ortega. It’s low-budget and basic, but the leads have great chemistry. I found it precious. Further proof that you don’t have to reinvent the wheel as long as you work with the right ingredients.

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I didn’t achieve my August goals, not really, as the bad news about dog messed me up. I’m not setting any for September, except to make it through the move without breaking too much of my stuff. I need to start packing this week, can’t say I’m too excited.

But, at least for today, I feel ok. I’m being kind to myself.

Hope you are, too.

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My content is currently free, but you can support my work on Ko-Fi. I’ll spend your money on prosecco, books, and rent – probably in that order.

Or, you can buy Fidgeting: Year One, a cute PDF collection of all the posts I wrote during my first year on Substack.

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1. I did.

2. I wrote it.