Last month today (July)

Hot summer nights, mid-July, when my dark mind went a little wild.

Hi! I started this experiment of keeping a journal thingy at the end of May and enjoyed it. I continued throughout June and, now, July. If the entry is too long for email, you might need to click on a variation of “view entire post“ at the bottom. Thank you for reading, ily.

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July 1

Took a longish walk today. I almost feel human again.

July 2

Random thoughts because I am not in the mood for full sentences:

• The Project Hail Mary trailer has me in a chokehold, it looks so good!! (love the book, love The Martian, love Ryan Gosling, this is so promising I can’t contain my excitement)

• Jennifer Aniston will play the mother in the TV adaptation of I’m Glad My Mom Died, she’s going to crush it

• The People We Meet on Vacation movie finally has a premiere date, Jan 9, 2026 (one of my least fave Emily Henry books, I’ll be glued to the screen nonetheless)

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My toddler niece visited and asked what pigs eat. The response that instantly came to my head was “dead bodies, if they’re hungry enough.”

I commend myself for not saying that out loud.

July 3

Since my Substack turned 1 on July 1, I’ve had this thought – to gather all my posts in a collection of sorts, magazine-style. A PDF. Something. I started to work on it. It’s been incredibly pleasant.

I’m not sure what I’ll do with the final product. Maybe I’ll put it up for sale for people who want to support me, maybe keep it for myself, haven’t decided yet. The thing is, this forced me to look back on all my posts. Surprisingly, I’m happy with most of them. I typically cringe when I read stuff I wrote in the past. Not now. Sorcery.

Still, joke’s on me because I thought gathering the posts in a PDF would take a couple of days tops. I’m using Canva, my design skills are minimal, the struggle is real. At the same time, I can work on it for hours on end without stopping. It’s the first time I’ve achieved flow in forever.

I think I enjoy it so much because it’s a creative endeavor, but it’s not as all-consuming as writing. I love writing, can’t imagine myself not writing, and I’ll always be writing in one form or another. But some days, it takes a whole lot of mental resources.

Arranging texts I’ve already written in an aesthetically pleasing document? Bliss.

July 6

I spent most of the weekend doing admin stuff with mom and watching concert clips. Oasis. Black Sabbath. Sabrina. If I’m going to scroll TikTok, I might as well be intentional about it and actively seek joy.

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The Boys wrapped filming for the fifth and final season. All the behind-the-scenes posts from the cast are wonderful. I’m a big fan. Didn’t like season 4 as much as the previous ones, but they’ll stick the landing. Eric Kripke, the creator, was planning to end Supernatural with season 5, and it’s one of the show’s best. I’m curious about how the story will wrap up.

My main problem with season 4 was that everything became too on-the-nose. Further testament to media literacy becoming endangered, certain viewers who claimed to enjoy the series from the beginning finally realized what The Boys is about and turned against it. Fandom spaces were exhausting for a while.

I hope they reembrace subtlety as they head into the finale. We’re going to get a Supernatural reunion!! Insane.

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Still working on the Fidgeting PDF, officially titled Fidgeting: Year One, which I’m not sure what to call. Collection of essays sounds pretentious and doesn’t feel accurate. Magazine sounds too fancy. Collection of posts? Not fancy enough, somehow.

I still have around 15 posts to set up, and two to re-do because I’m not into the current layout. I want to write an intro and a conclusion. And I need to go through all texts one final time because Canva didn’t translate italics, and I must double-check that all links work. It sounds tedious in theory. I’m having the time of my life.

I think I’ll put it on my Ko-Fi page in case people want to buy it. But I have that inner critic voice that says, “Haha, no one will.” “It doesn’t look good enough.” “Stop pretending you’re a ‘real’ writer.” “It’s a silly PDF.”

Sigh.

I thought I might finish it by Tuesday and upload it then with a celebratory newsletter post. I won’t. Dog has a follow-up at the vet tomorrow. If all is in order, I’m returning home. I miss my apartment like crazy. That will take most of the day. I should brainstorm another newsletter, perhaps?

July 7

Dog’s vet appointment didn’t go well. Heart is functioning better (he’ll be on treatment for the rest of his life), but further investigations hint at additional issues. He’s on new medicine, we’ll know more in another month. Trying not to freak out, failing miserably.

July 9

Back home. Mom and dog left yesterday, it’s just me. Feels weird to be alone after three weeks waking up next to dog every morning. I enjoy solitude, but it takes me a while to recalibrate once I return to my apartment.

I did miss it. I love my stuff. The books, the records, the décor. The small imperfections and the disorganized pantry and the dirty windows.

It’s been tricky to make rent recently; I’ve learned to appreciate it more.

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Wednesday season 2 has an official trailer. Excited!

The Morning Show also has a teaser for… season 4? I stopped watching during their pandemic season, was fed up with Covid storylines. While I meant to catch up, there was a plot point involving a spaceship? That’s too much, man.

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Started listening to Deep Cuts by Holly Brickley. About 10% in.

I’m into music, but can’t speak eloquently about it. I don’t have the vocabulary. The way the main character in this book talks about music is similar to how I think about it. She explains at one point that music isn’t just about authenticity, it’s also about fun. I agree.

I’m not an audiophile. I only have a record player because when Evermore came out, I liked it to such an intense degree I felt compelled to own it. To hold the music in my hands. I bought the vinyl, a work of art. Then a friend gifted me Folklore, and mom bought me a record player. I got a few more records since, albums I already knew I would treasure for a long time.

But it’s not about audio quality. My ears aren’t sensitive enough to notice any difference. It’s about the act of putting on a record, listening to an album from start to finish, paying attention.

While the melody counts, I’m a lyrics person first and foremost. When a song resonates, it transports me to another world. If it’s really good, it teaches me stuff about myself.

You can do almost anything you put your mind to as long as you have the right soundtrack.

I don’t know all the songs mentioned in Deep Cuts so far, but there was a section about The King of Carrot Flowers Part 1 by Neutral Milk Hotel. Felt such an intense bout of nostalgia it almost knocked me over. I had a period in college when I listened to In the Aeroplane Over the Sea obsessively. I still put on Oh Comely when I need to pleasantly dissociate for 8 uninterrupted minutes.

This book will be a new fave.

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Pretty much finished setting up Fidgeting: Year One. Wrote the intro and outro. All that’s left is the table of contents and to proofread it.

July 11

I’m addicted to coffee. You’d think I would have realized this by now, but no. I was under the impression that I liked the taste.

Ran out of milk this morning, so decided to skip it. No big deal, I said to myself, even though, looking back, this was probably the first time I didn’t have my morning cup in years.

Very big deal, turns out. Two hours later, I was ready to murder anyone who looked at me funny and had a splitting headache.

Do not like this realization one bit.

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Proofreading Fidgeting: Year One took forever.

Still have to check all the links and write a newsletter post about it. Hope to be actually done today, so I can move on with my life. Between this (lovely) PDF and worrying about dog, the last couple of weeks have been exhausting. All I want is to put it up, wash my hair, and get drunk on prosecco.

Also, I’m now about 30% into Deep Cuts. I continue to love it.

July 14

I’m sick. I’ve ignored my symptoms these last couple of days, telling myself that my sluggishness is mental rather than physical. But woke up feeling like shit after sleeping for 9 (!) hours.

Even so, I chose ignorance this morning as well. Had my coffee and got dressed to go on my long walk. About a quarter in, I was forced to admit defeat. Stopped at the pharmacy on the way back. Now I’m horizontal, have two types of pills in my system, and everything hurts. Head. Throat. Muscles.

Frustrating. I barely left the house this past week. How did the sickness find me?

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My PDF is up, I’ve got some lovely responses. No one bought it, though. I’m bummed about that.

I spent the weekend trying to cheer myself up. Drank the prosecco, washed my hair, lounged. Watched three episodes of Too Much, Lena Dunham’s new Netflix show. I don’t think it’s for me, which is surprising because it’s a romantic comedy with Megan Stalter, whom I love in Hacks. And I think Girls is very good. It was hard to watch at the time, mainly because it was occasionally uncomfortably relatable.

I also watched around three more episodes of The Bear. Loved the one with Sydney and the kid.

Finished Deep Cuts. Five stars.

I’m not doing a dopamine detox per se, but I go on social media much less. Haven’t been on TikTok in days, outside of opening the app out of instinct, watching four vids, and closing it because I don’t want to be there. I only go on Instagram to watch stories posted by my friends. I’ve watched YouTube, but at least the videos there are longer. They give me the impression that I’m learning something. (I’m not. Baby steps.)

While this may be good for my brain, I feel out of the pop culture loop, and my attention span is still shot. It’s hard to see the upside. I’ve been through the same process with the long walks. Tricky to keep up with in the beginning, as the benefits only became obvious after 2-3 weeks.

Delaying gratification is a bitch.

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The last few weeks have been so hard. The past year has been impossible. I just need something to go right.

July 15

The only things I’ve recently absorbed through osmosis (less phone time) about the US president are that he kept Chelsea’s football trophy (?), wants to revoke Rosie O’Donnell’s citizenship (??), and realized the Russian president is playing him because his wife told him so (???).

Using my phone less is still too much.

July 17

I feel better. Also, there’s drama on Romanian Bookstagram/BookTok.

A contemporary male author posted a Facebook status saying he isn’t a fan of book pics that feature accessories and knick-knacks and whatnot. Basically Bookstagram. Some creators took offence and started to post videos about it.

I had no problem with the guy’s opinion. Didn’t find it offensive. We don’t all have to like the same things. He’s entitled to it, that’s fine, no big deal. I also thought the BookTokers are blowing things out of proportion.

One of my issues with social media is that creators often take benign things and contort them for engagement.

However, the author doubled down and posted a follow-up status that reeks of misogyny and arrogance. Additionally, an article about the “scandal” came out, written by another man who embraced the same misogynistic vibes.

That’s when the whole thing began to leave a very sour taste in my mouth. You don’t have to insult creators and look down on them for what they choose to read and how they choose to express their love for books or the act of reading.

It makes my blood boil when people, especially intellectuals, imply that if someone enjoys romance books, or fantasy books, or YA books, or graphic novels, or whatever genre they deem silly, they probably don’t get real literature. Fuck off.

Here are some pics from my own Bookstagram days, for fun:

July 18

I’m obsessed with the Coldplay jumbotron affair extravaganza.

Granted, it raises serious issues about privacy. One of my biggest fears is doing something dumb or embarrassing in public, someone filming me, and seeing the video on TikTok days later, with everyone being mean in the comments. I also feel for their partners.

But this is the most fun the internet has been in forever. I refuse to feel guilty for indulging in the memes.

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Justin Timberlake performed last night during one of the biggest festivals in Romania, Electric Castle. His performance was… lacking. It was raining heavily, true. But he started late, cut his concert short, there were portions where he barely sang. He was so bundled up that you could barely glimpse his features. While his band and backing vocalists were amazing, the whole thing was low energy, at least from the videos I’ve seen.¹

This made me think back to when Lana del Rey embarked on her UK tour a few weeks ago, and attendees complained about everything from how short the concert was to the setlist to the fact that two of the songs were recordings.

Back then, some fans pointed out that expectations were too high. I don’t believe that’s the problem. It’s that concert tickets have become insane.

When you spend a small fortune to see an artist, you become less tolerant of said artist being just another human. You don’t stop to consider that they might have an off night. You feel entitled to them giving you their best because you paid handsomely for it.

I’m not saying it’s right. But maybe stop asking crazy amounts of money to show up on stage, and fans might be more understanding.

Anyway, Yungblud is performing at Electric Castle on Saturday. The audience will be in for a treat.

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Songs currently on repeat:

• Non-Stop from Hamilton (not a musical/theatre person, it’s very like me to appreciate this literally 10 years later)

• Lord – Divorce (seahorses? weird but ok)

• Good 4 U – Olivia Rodrigo (started to listen to this again after her Glastonbury set)

• Hora Fetelor – Irina Rimes (I like to jump around to this song)

• Throne – Bring Me the Horizon (life keeps trying to bring me down, I keep trying to hype myself up)

• Take Me Away from Freaky Friday (Freakier Friday is just around the corner!!)

July 20

Dog turns 10 today!! He’s almost back to his old self, but we still won’t know more until next month. I love him so much my heart could burst any second.

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Catching up with newsletters. A few posts I loved:

• making a house feel like home

• No One Talks About the Emotional Labor of Trying to Be Chill

• The Stephen Colbert of it all

• Draft Four: Stop gifting your attention

• A Retrospective of the Taylor's Version Project

Also, Daniel is serializing a novel here on Substack. It’s funny, you might like it. Here’s Chapter 1.

July 22

Ozzy Osbourne died. Legend.

July 23

A study showed that over 60% of Romanians believe Nicolae Ceaușescu was a good leader, and about half think people were better off during the communist era. Whenever startling data like this comes to light, I realize I truly live in a bubble. It’s similar to what happened during the presidential election.

I wish people who were born after 1989 would stop believing everything they see online. That they would read a book, or ask their parents one pertinent question about what it was like back then.

We’re cooked.

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Josh Johnson is hosting The Daily Show this week. I’m so excited for him!!

July 25

Carrie and Aidan finally broke up on And Just Like That… The show has bordered on unwatchable this season. On top of the characters resembling impostors, most of their problems are ridiculous. Even if you wanted to root for them, they make it very hard.

Why does Carrie suddenly seem to hate Miranda? Why was Miranda living in Airbnbs, but then able to afford an expensive apartment? Why was Seema so broke that she couldn’t order an Uber, then able to rent a huge office for her one employee? Why does Charlotte get vertigo out of the blue? Why is Lisa taking so long to edit her documentary?

Good riddance, Aidan. It sucks that they brought you back to ruin your character. I’m glad to see you go.

July 26

Spending the weekend trying to sell some of my books at a book and vinyl fair.

As I ran after the tram today with a box in my arms and a stuffed backpack, I stumbled. Was *this* close to falling and hitting my head on the tracks, but managed to regain my composure.

The whole scene played in slow motion. People embarking on the tram stopped to gawk at me. The box flew out of my arms. I saw past highlights flash before my eyes.

I picked up the box, got on the tram, acted like nothing happened. Spent the rest of the day having a newfound appreciation for life.

28 July

Writing is starting to feel hard. I’m discouraged. Not about the process itself, but the metrics.

I don’t know what’s going on. Maybe the universe is out to get me, or I’ve lost favor with the algorithm gods, or I have angered a powerful witch and am now cursed.

My engagement dropped on Substack, especially on Notes. Happens, but what irks me is that I keep seeing notes do well that are generic, or obviously AI-generated, or memes previously popular on other platforms. That’s the discouraging part. I don’t think I’m alone in this, as I’ve seen other creators I admire struggle with engagement.

Lately, it seems like everything I do is in vain and I’m shouting into the void, more so than I was in the beginning.

At the same time, I find it absurd to complain about this, especially in light of all the horrible things currently going on in the world. Plus, I’ve never cared much about metrics or visibility before. The sole reason I started this newsletter was to rediscover the joy of writing. It happened. From that angle, Fidgeting is a success.

I guess it saddens me more than it should because stuff has been going poorly. I’ve been unable to find a stable freelancing gig for the past year. The constant rejection eventually gets to you. I attempted to promote this newsletter on TikTok, but I have no idea what I’m doing, and the things I did try haven’t worked. I’m broke, worried about dog, tired of summer, and my mental health is wobbly.

Bottom line, the word failure has been bouncing around my brain a lot. At some point, you stop blaming the algorithm and wonder whether the problem lies with you. You tell yourself you’re not good enough, or berate yourself for not trying harder.

I know I’m not entitled to anyone’s attention. I also know that whining is not productive, and I’m not writing this to throw myself a pity party. I’m doing it to highlight the fact that self-doubt is an integral part of attempting creative shit. Maybe someone reading this will relate and feel less alone.

The times are bad. I persevere.

July 30

I swam for real for the first time in like three years. Got a leg cramp after two pool lengths, was exhausted after four. Humbling.

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Not a fan of love triangles in my media, but Eternity looks incredible. In the movie, Elizabeth Olsen’s character has to choose between spending the afterlife with her first husband (who died young) or her second. Excellent stakes.

It made me think of One True Loves by Taylor Jenkins Reid, a book that also does the love triangle trope right. It’s devastating. Highly recommend.

July 31

Back in my hometown for a few days. Reuniting with dog warmed my heart. Spending time with mom also.

Revisited my June recap, and my goals for July were to “consume less short-form content, write more things I like, walk until my anxiety grows quiet.”

I succeeded in spending less time on socials, a trend I plan to continue. Failed at the other two. The weather made long walks challenging, and feeling both rundown and down in the dumps didn’t exactly put me in a writing mood. They’ll roll over to August, my second least favorite month.

I also hope to read more. Haven’t picked up anything that caught my attention since Deep Cuts, over two weeks ago. Still going through Mihail Sebastian’s Journal, but that’s a (very) slow read.

Maybe August will be different this year. Maybe it will be the month when things turn around.

Delusion for the win.

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My content is currently free, but you can support my work on Ko-Fi. I’ll spend your money on prosecco, books, and rent – probably in that order.

Or, you can buy Fidgeting: Year One, a cute PDF collection of all the posts I wrote during my first year on Substack.

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1. While I was editing this newsletter, Timberlake revealed that he’s been diagnosed with Lyme disease.