Six books I’m scared to read

Some of the whys might surprise you.

I have over 1,000 books on my Goodreads to-read shelf.

I scrolled through. A few of those are duplicates of books I’ve already read. Others, I have no idea how they’ve made their way on there.

Past Alexandra is shrouded in mystery.

Most, however, I still want to read. Eventually.

Maybe.

I’m a mood reader, you never know.

Out of all those books, six downright scare me. They’ve been on my bookshelves looking down on me for years.

I have good reasons, I think.

You can be the one to judge.

A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara

This book has haunted me since the days of Booktube. It was everywhere. It still is everywhere.

The way people talk about it? It’s anything but casual.

This book will ruin your life. It will make you bawl your eyes out. It will destroy whatever sanity you have left.

Thanks, I can’t wait to pick it up.

I’ve even heard it described as trauma porn which seems like a hyperbole but maybe it’s not.

I bought it because I’m easily influenced. Yet, every time I consider giving it a read, I talk myself out of it.

I’ll do it when my mental health is better, I say. Then I laugh inside because, given the trajectory of the world, is that ever going to happen?

There’s a show I watched in my late teens, Nip/Tuck, about two plastic surgeons. It was created by Ryan Murphy, the guy behind American Horror Story.

The show is transfixing. It starts off with promise only to descend into the kind of chaos you can’t look away from.

Every bad thing you could imagine happens. Other bad things you couldn’t have possibly thought of happen as well. The drama is unhinged and relentless.

From what I remember, the kid of one of the surgeons has it worse, experiencing everything from a botched circumcision to meth addiction.

That’s how I imagine A Little Life to be, and it scares me.

The Winners by Fredrik Backman

The Winners is book three in the Beartown series, about a small town engrossed in hockey and torn apart by an act of violence.

While I like Backman, I was wary of reading Beartown because I’m not into sports.

I live in Romania, so I’m geographically inclined to enjoy football (if you’re an American reading this, 1) I’m sorry for what you’re currently going through, and 2) I mean soccer). Other than that, I have no athletic abilities or patience to watch matches/follow competitions anymore.

That made the fact that I fell for this book even more impressive. And I fell hard.

Beartown made me understand people’s devotion to sports in a way no one else could. Along the way, it also made me care for the characters. I rooted for them and cried with them and rejoiced with them.

One in particular made its way deep into my heart. (I’m keeping it vague to avoid spoilers.)

I liked the sequel, Us Against You, and I was looking forward to the conclusion.

Once I started to read The Winners, though, it became obvious that the precious special cinnamon roll character I love was going to die.

I couldn’t deal with that, so I set the book back down. I won’t go as far as to bury it in the freezer as Joey did on Friends, but the thought did briefly cross my mind.

As long as I don’t finish the book, the inevitable doesn’t happen.

Denial is a river and also an ineffective coping mechanism because I know I will get back to The Winners one day.

I just prefer to have my heart broken at the exact right moment.

Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing by Matthew Perry

Speaking of Friends, Chandler is my favorite. More than that, I really like Matthew Perry as an actor.

I’ve watched almost every TV show he was in, from unappreciated wonders like Go On to the atrocity that was The Odd Couple reboot.

While I was excited to read his memoir, some of the reviews gave me pause. Not because of his struggle with addiction – more so because of readers stating that he comes across as weird with women.

I understand that we don’t know the celebrities we look up to. Yet, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to read something that would potentially sour him for me.

Then Perry died, which messed me up a bit.

I knew that the memoir would make me feel a lot of things, good and bad. People are complex, and if you write honestly, your experiences won’t resonate with everyone.

I’m scared to dive in because I’m afraid I’ll realize I wouldn’t have liked him if we had been real-life friends.

That’s not the kind of understanding I’m eager to have at the moment.

Murdle by G.T. Karber

Murdle is a book of puzzles. You may be familiar with the online game.

I’ve never played it, for the same reason I haven’t touched the book since I bought it: because I’m scared I’m actually very dumb.

Look, I love predicting the twists in thrillers and often get it right. I’m an avid watcher of Criminal Minds and similar shows. My IQ may not be off the charts, but I fancy myself a red herrings connoisseur and skilled solver of fictional mysteries.

What if this book proves I’m not?

I could not possibly live with the disappointment.

I ordered it during a surge of confidence, only for it to arrive and send me into a spiral of self-doubt.

It looks nice on my shelves. Let’s leave it at that.

Curtain by Agatha Christie

Curtain is the last book to feature Hercule Poirot, who might just be my favorite character ever.

I have adored him since childhood. He’s smart and funny and fastidious and occasionally infuriating. What a gem.

I read all the Poirot novels again a few years ago. I only have Curtain and a few short story collections left.

And I’m scared to read Curtain because I don’t want his story to be over. He may not be real, but he’s been around for my entire life.

There’s another reason, too.

My favorite series is The West Wing. I’ve re-watched it multiple times. I’m re-watching it now because I recently finished the behind-the-scenes book.

But there’s an episode of The West Wing, Isaac and Ishmael, I’ve never seen. It’s non-canonical and was made in response to the September 11 terrorist attacks.

I always skip it because I like the idea that there’s a small chunk of my favorite show I have yet to experience.

I’m saving it as a special treat.

Maybe I’m doing the same with Curtain. Or maybe I’m just chicken.

Two things can be true at once.

Special Topics in Calamity Physics by Marisha Pessl

Ever built up a book in your mind so much that the sheer thought of picking it up and being disappointed has you terrified?

If the answer is no - congrats, you’re normal.

I can’t say the same for myself.

I love Night Film. It’s the kind of book you either loathe or become obsessed with. While I understand both reactions, it sucked me in. Consumed me. Had me holding my breath multiple times. Messed with my head and mocked my expectations.

Pessl published Special Topics in Calamity Physics before Night Film. From everything I’ve read about it, there’s a chance I might like it even more.

It’s described as quirky and gimmicky, which are things I can vibe with. It has dark academia undertones. I think it has a mystery or more. It seems to be a coming-of-age story. Also, that title? It suggests a blend of intellectualism and catastrophe. Sign me up.

Still.

It’s been years since I’ve heard of the book, and I’ve been low-key hyping it in my mind since.

What if I find it awful?

*

Are there any books you’re afraid to pick up?

Tell me.

Unburden yourself. Make me feel less ridiculous.

I’m waiting.

Featured photo by Ylanite Koppens, book covers from Amazon