It's Summerween!

I watched a bunch of scary movies because it’s chic to suffer for content.

I like horror. I’m also scared of it.

If you follow me for a while, you know that I’m into horror comedies. The more serious stuff, I indulge sporadically. Usually when I have company or at the cinema, with people around. Not that demons or ghosts or other malevolent spirits ever did anything to me, but I prefer my resting hours unperturbed by movie-induced anxiety. In a toxic situationship with insomnia as it is, and reading the news provides sufficient nightmare fuel.

Unfortunately, this means I’m missing out. Horror is generous. You consent to experience fear in a safe space. That’s preferable to the unwelcome adrenaline rush when trying to determine whether that weird shadow is the dirty hoodie you forgot to put away or a mischievous entity that slipped in through the open window while you were scrolling TikTok.

(Not touching on real-life threats here, this post is meant to be fun.)

It’s also a genre that often allows women to be three-dimensional and messy, which I appreciate. Plus, it’s nice to take a break from stressing over your own problems to stressing over something that can’t hurt you. Like a short vacay for the brain, even if that vacay is to a hellscape you’re literally paying to explore. We people are weird creatures.

Since I dubbed this the summer of horror and angst, it’s a perfect opportunity to expand my horizons and catch up with bloody movies I’ve missed.

The idea came because I wanted to finally see Midsommar. Big fan of Florence Pugh and annoyed by the fact that I was too chicken to watch her in this, while also confident I’m mentally ready to give it a shot.

(I’m a grown-up who can handle it, she whispered to herself.)

To my dismay, the movie is streaming nowhere in Romania right now. Neither are the other two influential titles I was hoping to cross off my list, Halloween and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I can access five streaming services and FOR WHAT?? Alas, life is disappointing. We work with what we have.

Here’s what I did manage to watch over the last month or so.

(I don’t give away endings or twists, but light spoilers for the titles below. Also full spoilers for Ready or Not. If that’s a dealbreaker, I’m not mad.)

Us

Jordan Peele’s mind must be an eerie playground. Get Out is fantastic, and Nope is a wild ride. The only reason why I steered clear of Us until now is that, The Vampire Diaries aside, doppelgängers are hella creepy. One look at the trailer was enough to convince me that I’m too fragile to make it through the movie without losing my mind.

Wanting to start this horror marathon on the right foot, I sheepishly pressed play at 10 pm, only a bag of paprika chips for company.

The story centers on a family of four who go on vacation to a beach house. Once darkness falls, they’re attacked by menacing doppelgängers. They must run and hide and fight in order to survive.

To my credit, I only paused the movie once, when the visitors show up for the first time. Had to expose myself to reels because the tension was unbearable. After that, I persevered. It helps that Us is unexpectedly funny. These four truly come across as a family, with bickering a part of the package. There is at least one scene that will make you laugh out loud.

Everyone in the cast is A+, with Lupita Nyong’o particularly mesmerizing. As for the story, it lands. It’s about society and the people we leave behind, an effective lens if you still have an ounce of humanity left. The movie is gripping from start to finish.

It can also be exactly as deep as you want it to. If you reject my interpretation, you can enjoy it as a surface-level thriller about a family in peril, or as a metaphor for confronting your shadow self. Peele is a master of the craft.

Scare scale: 3.5/5

Could I survive this? Hell no. If I ever come face-to-face with someone who looks exactly like I do, the shock alone will paralyze me long enough for her to deliver a fatal blow. Good luck making it in this world, bitch.

Over Your Dead Body

Over Your Dead Body and Ready or Not 2 made it to streaming around the same time. A double feature was inevitable. They both star Samara Weaving, a queen. I even suffered through a few bad episodes of Nine Perfect Strangers for her. Additionally, these movies fall into my comfort zone, no need to worry about jump scares.

In this one, Samara and Jason Segel play a married couple who go on to their lakeside cabin, each secretly plotting to kill the other. Their plans are equally dumb, and things escalate when a small group of fugitives crashes their not-so-romantic getaway.

Oh, what fun this could have been! The violence is over-the-top, the injuries are gnarly, the cast is to die for, the plot is twisted enough to hold your attention. It’s all a blast until a rape joke ruins the mood.

Why are we still doing this in 2026? While the rest of the movie is almost cartoonish (complimentary), the scene in question goes on long enough to make you physically uncomfortable. It dampens the vibes. Doesn’t kill them completely, but it sticks up like a sore thumb. No!

If not for that, the movie would have become a new favorite. I am upset.

Scare scale: 1/5 (if you’re squeamish when it comes to blood and such, probably higher)

Could I survive this? Debatable. I like to think that I would choose a divorce over murdering a spouse, but I also know I could come up with a better plan to off him before he offs me. I read a lot of thrillers and watch crime procedurals, ok? As for dealing with the fugitives, that’s 50/50. They aren’t the smartest. I like my odds.

Ready or Not 2: Here I Come

As the name suggests, this is a sequel to Ready or Not, in which Samara plays Grace, a woman who marries into a wealthy clan. As part of a wedding night ritual, she is hunted by her new husband’s family and has to figure out a way to make it until dawn. Naturally, she survives, or there wouldn’t be a follow-up.

Follow-up that picks up right after the events of the first movie, with Grace hauled into the hospital by a police officer, under suspicion that she killed everyone. (They actually exploded because of a satanic curse, the rich have weird hobbies.)

How refreshing! Always wondered how the final girl would explain a bunch of supernatural deaths, and the movie delves right into it. Too bad we don’t find out, because Grace and her estranged sister who came to check on her are swiftly taken to a resort to complete the next level of the game. There, rival families hunt them both to kill Grace and claim the High Seat of the Council that controls the world (lol).

Loved the first movie, love the sequel as well. It’s silly and violent, combo that works for me. Plus, Shawn Hatosy plays a douche bag, showcasing his range, and Sarah Michelle Gellar is a fine addition as his sister. Had a marvelous time, no notes.

Scare scale: 1/5 (same disclaimer as previous)

Could I survive this? I have zero athletic abilities, so no. I just hope that Hatosy is the one who kills me.

Obsession

The little horror movie that could. Went in believing it’s not too scary given that it broke into the mainstream. Also sure it’s overhyped because it has the same premise as a Supernatural episode, are we serious? Happy to report I was wrong on both counts.

Obsession revolves around Bear, a young man with a crush on his friend, Nikki. Instead of confessing his feelings and facing the consequences, he buys a supernatural toy that grants him his wish for Nikki to love him more than anything in the world. She becomes obsessed with Bear against her will, he tries to deal with the situation as Nikki deteriorates.

The movie in a nutshell? Man’s greatest fear is that his girlfriend will act crazy and embarrass him at a party. Woman’s greatest fear is that she’ll fall for a guy and lose her autonomy as a result.

I haven’t hated a fictional character as much as I hate Bear in a long time. He’s a pathetic, cowardly piece of shit. This movie made me experience an entire range of unpleasant emotions, with rage a big part of the mix.

The horror is incredibly effective. It’s the unsettling kind that makes your skin crawl. The obsessed version of Nikki acts frightening, yes, but imagining yourself in her situation, as one should, is a whole other level of scary. The real Nikki occasionally resurfaces in heartbreaking scenes. I was locked in every step of the way.

Inde Navarrette is outstanding, hope she wins all the awards. Michael Johnston is excellent. What a movie! Not for cat lovers, though.

Scare scale: 4/5

Could I survive this? Perhaps, but at what cost?

They Will Kill You

When HBO Max first recommended this to me, it seemed like a cross between Kill Bill and The Shining. Innovative, it is not. That said, it’s the good kind of outrageous, and quite funny at times.

Zazie Beetz stars as an ex-convict who goes to work as a maid for a fancy high-rise. Once there, weird stuff happens, and she has to fight threats she couldn’t have imagined before setting foot inside.

They Will Kill You blends horror with action and comedy in a satisfying way. All in 90 minutes, the perfect length for this genre. It has absorbing fight scenes and a healthy amount of gore. As a bonus, you get a climax so bonkers you’ll stare at the screen in disbelief. It won’t change your life, but I was entertained.

Scare scale: 2/5

Could I survive this? No. My fight skills are lacking, and I would not have the foresight to pack a sword.

Jennifer’s Body

I have reached the part of the marathon where I deserve a rewatch as a little treat. Haven’t seen Jennifer’s Body in a few years, and it recently came back to Netflix. Exquisite timing.

Hot high school cheerleader Jennifer gets possessed by a demon and has to feast on humans to maintain her, umm, health. She chooses boys. It’s up to her best friend Needy to stop her reign of terror.

This is a five-star movie for me, don’t expect objectivity. It’s iconic, campy, bloody, sexy, hilarious. The story is about revenge, sure, but more importantly about friendship. The high school kind, slightly co-dependent and toxic, when your friends are your entire life.

Hell is a teenage girl? You can say that again.

Scare scale: 1/5 (maybe 2/5 on first watch)

Could I survive this? If Megan Fox wants to eat me, I won’t stand in her way.

Drag Me to Hell

I have successfully avoided this movie ever since it came out 17 (wtf) years ago.

Positive reviews be damned, I knew I wouldn’t vibe with it. While this may not be all that scary, it’s gross, and I don’t do gross much. Yet there I was. Older, not much wiser, and in a foul enough mood to watch Drag Me to Hell.

By the end, I lost count of how many times I yelled eww.

The story follows Christine, a bank loan officer longing for a promotion. To prove she’s worth it, she rejects an elderly Romani woman’s plea for a loan extension. In turn, the woman places a curse on her. After three days of torment, she’ll be dragged to hell. You follow Christine as she attempts to find a way around that.

I can see where the good reviews are coming from. This is over-the-top, disgusting fun if you’re not busy controlling your gag reflex. Since the moment the old woman took out her dentures at the bank, I was perpetually on edge, ready to cover my eyes if needed. There’s a scene where she sucks on Christine’s face that I can never unsee, and my life is in worse shape for it.

It’s all horrible. This is also not recommended for cat lovers, and all the arms shoved down throats made me scared I’ll lose my dinner. A theory going around states that Drag Me to Hell is a metaphor for an eating disorder. I don’t care enough to put in the brain work required to determine if it holds up.

Fine. The grave scene is absolute cinema, and the ending slaps.

Still. Fuck this movie.

Scare scale: 2/5

Vomit scale: 5/5

Could I survive this? Yes. I live in Romania and know better than to cross an elderly Romani lady. If she does curse me, not so much.

*

That’s enough for now. What else do you recommend? I won’t put myself through A Serbian Film or similar because I’m not an insecure teen willing to pRoVe tHAt I CaN hAnDle It. If you have pertinent suggestions, however, hit me up.

The sequel won’t write itself.

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All pics from IMDb